Annotations
Imagine if, instead of being judged, you felt understood. What if the rejection you feared was supplanted by the acceptance you long for? The term psychologists use to describe what you’re envisioning in this situation is validation.
Validation is not praise. Praise is a judgment – it says: I like the way you look or perform. Validation demonstrates acceptance – it says: I accept who you are independent of how you look or perform. When people claim that we shouldn’t rely on external validation, they are confusing validation with praise.
Validation is not problem-solving. Problem-solving focuses on changing someone’s reaction by suggesting solutions to specific problems, eg, ‘I know you didn’t do well on that spelling test; why don’t we try reviewing your words on the way to school next time?’ Validation, on the other hand, focuses on acknowledging the situation and the validity of someone’s response to it: ‘You studied so hard; I can understand why you are upset.’
Validation is not agreement. I can validate why someone would have concerns about protecting an unborn fetus even if I am pro-choice. If the idea of validating an opinion you disagree with makes you nervous, rest assured that validating another person’s perspective does not necessarily function to reinforce it.
Importantly, focusing on the valid parts of someone’s response will make you much more effective in challenging the invalid aspects of it.
The framework I developed for teaching validation skills is called the ‘validation ladder’. It includes three sections of skills, arranged in order of strength: mindfulness, understanding, and empathy. Mindfulness here means simply observing without judgment. Understanding suggests that you see a person’s reaction, or some part of it, as logical or justifiable. And empathy means connecting with another person’s emotions.
For each skill set, try to practise the skills yourself when opportunities come up in everyday interactions, and pay attention when others use them: podcast interviews and late-night shows are rife with examples of validation.
Attending means paying attention and listening without judgment, in a way that shows interest and cultivates understanding.
One way to go about Attending is through non-verbal behaviours. The big four to focus on are:
eye contact; head nodding; gestures (hand to the chin in thoughtfulness, etc); and proximity (leaning in or being physically close).
Copying has you reflect or mirror another person’s words or behaviour.
Contextualising acknowledges that something a person does or feels makes sense in some context, even if it seems ineffective or unjustified.
This can take many forms, but it always has the essence of ‘given X, Y makes sense’.
Acknowledging the context in which a person’s reaction makes sense is a gentle way to recognise where they’re coming from. At its best, contextualising says: I see how the world has shaped you, and I don’t judge you for it.
Equalising communicates that a person’s reaction is reasonable or justified, using a somewhat different approach.
Contextualising works well when you need to trace a longer or less obvious chain of cause and effect to understand someone’s reaction, whereas Equalising acknowledges when someone’s response is understandable given the immediate situation. It is particularly important when a person tends to doubt their own reactions to what they experience.
Proposing means to state what you think another person might be thinking, feeling, or wanting to do in a situation.
Taking Action has you directly intervene on another person’s behalf.
As an empathy skill, Taking Action has you go above and beyond acknowledging (as with mindfulness skills) and thinking logically about someone’s experience (understanding skills). It requires you to invest yourself in the situation.
Emoting means openly expressing your feelings, specifically, your feelings in response to another person’s experience.
When you allow yourself to express what you’re feeling in these ways, you enter into the other person’s experience, not as a spectator but as an active participant.
Disclosure has you share personal details about yourself that relate to another person’s experience.
Disclosing is most impactful when the shared experience is one that commonly elicits shame or causes people to feel different from others.